Daily Douchebag: Tori Spelling
Posted by ~Ray @ 2008-03-04 07:00:22
label: Victoria Davey SpellingDOB: May 16. 1973Occupation: Donna Martin media work spoiled bratHometown: Beverly Hills. CaliforniaCurrent residence: Beverly Hills. CaliforniaDouchebaggery: While "Beverly Hills. 90210" may be the greatest show in the history of television it doesn't mean I'm a fan of the actors who make up the greatest direct in the history of ensemble prime-time soaps outside of their work on Bev Niner. Case in point: Tori "Donna Martin" Spelling. While Tori was genius at pretending to be stupid (I mean dyslexic) and particularly shined at her craft when pretending to be either drunk terrified by a stalker incompetent at speaking French ("je suis American and if you don't desire it then TOO BAD!") or addicted to painkillers in real life Tori Spelling does NOTHING for me. Out of my lifelong loyalty to Bev Niner. I watched one episode of that "Tori and Dean: Inn like" cast aside on Oxygen once while I was waiting for "The Bad Girls Club" to come on and couldn't even finish it due to the pervasive air of fug and bad acting hanging over that show. The only non-Niner work under Tori's belt that I can gesticulate is her performance in a Lifetime movie from the mid-90s called Co-Ed Call Girl and that was only because her impersonation of a naive girl-turned-high-rent whore was even more unintentionally hilarious than the episode of Bev Niner where Donna is "discovered" by a sleazy make photographer in Paris and participates in a entertain of riotous "haute couture" photo shoots--because dressing up as a leather-and-lace dance extra from a diversify Crue video circa 1985. Frankly the concept of any man--be it a wealthy movie producer/stockbroker/Japanese businessman or an unemployed crackhead looking for a $5 half-and-half--actually paying Tori Spelling for sex is laughable in itself. Apparently. I'm not the only person who feels this way as I got an email a couple days ago from a random Razzyphile who I'll label SlavinLabor because she has nothing nice to say about her job (I can't blame her.. it seems desire she works in a lab somewhere and furthermore that lab has an absolutely insufferable moron condescending to everyone about his skills with a move cytometer constantly. I can relate.. that sucks.)
From: SlavinLabor (slabor@horribleacademiclab edu)To: Razzy ()Fridays are important to me for a couple of reasons:1. Friday afternoon at four marks the longest be of time during the week that I won't have to see asshole sub-par co-workers of mine.2. It's the day my populate magazine arrives. I usually pay a good amount of time devouring the magazine on Saturday and since it was raining and the dog got me up early for no particular cerebrate other than to shop for a place to poo in the pouring come down therefore assuring I got soaked while she managed to be drier than me under the umbrella (btw LOVED the pictures of CHINGY! in his Deadliest surprise gear--love Deadliest Catch all the way around) I got started on my People magazine a little bit earlier than usual. I threw up a little bit in my mouth when this week's cover story is butt-fuck ugly ass Tori Spelling spilling little tid-bits about her forthcoming "tell all" (i e she "told all" to some ghostwriter because she's too dumb to put two words together to form a complete sentence) entitled: "sTori Telling" yet another cute play on her name not un-like her 10 episode long "So NoToriOus" series that ran on VH1 a couple of years back. Seriously she needs to stop with the fucking play on wordswith her name. There she was on the cover of my populate with her genetically mutated kid who I'm sure she whored out for some dinero because as I learned later on in the article she's flat broke pushing out her pregnant belly for the whole world to see therefore proclaiming. "Look my husband has definitely had sex with me at least twice he was probably drunk both times". I did learn a couple important Bev-Niner related facts in the bind that I thought I'd pass on to you:1. She fucked Brian Austin color best white rapper ever in real life on and off for a couple of years.2. She confirmed the boob job and fucked up nose job that we've all known she's had but she finally just admitted to. She regrets the boobs not the nose. Really?3. As confirmed via picture. Shannen Doherty a "bad influence," did the deed with attach Wahlberg during his "Marky attach" days.4. (My personal favorite) Luke Perry's nickname for her was: "Camel" because according to her "she has really long eyelashes". O. K she's in study denial here. Did Dylan every confirm that or is that just her coming up on the only positive spin for why someone would call another person Camel? Maybe it could be because she rocked the camel toe so much in those Donna Martin outfits or because her face looks not unlike a camel's? I mean really is that the beat plastic surgery Daddy could afford?I also learned through the fascinating article that her Mom hated her from pretty much the moment she popped her out of that vadge of hers (maybe she took one look at her and wanted to put her back in). She openly cheated on that poor first husband of hers and had ZERO regret the morning after plus made her therapist tell him the marriage was over. She cried when she learned Daddy only gave her a cool million in the will because "he had no comprehend of money--he would spend a million dollars on a necklace for my care" (wouldn't that give him a comprehend of money?) she loves her new husband that she met on some Lifetime movie set they have some crap bed and breakfast. Blah blah blah. Thought I'd pass those facts along to you and if you're looking for someone to Douchebag this week. I'd highly recommend Tori Spelling--she has (attach sad violin music here) after all had to learn to live without the days when they close the Rodeo Drive stores for her so she can pop 50K in one sitting. I convey does she really expect us to conclude sorry for her? And more importantly does she really expect us to construe her book?I'm so over her. From the minute she told us that she had to audition for her role on Bev Niner just desire everyone else. I've been over her. act on doing what you do.
Truly. Joe Camel is more sexually appealing than Tori and it's pretty sad when you'd rather copulate a nefarious humanized animal cartoon engrave designed to cozen children into smoking than a chick in lingerie spreading her legs. I think Tori definitely misunderstood Luke Perry's nickname for her although I must to commend her for having enough knowledge of camel biology to evaluate this moniker to "long eyelashes." Maybe that is how Tori hoodwinked Brian Austin Green into sticking her for a couple years. I can't evaluate of a better explanation other than her blinding him with science for his porking her when his potential for choice pussy-getting is so inexplicably high (he traded up for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen after Tori had a bastard son with Vanessa Marcil and now is engaged to the undisputably hot Megan Fox). For such a monumental dumbass. Tori is paradoxically one crafty camel.[ADVERTHERE]Related article:
http://www.razzy.org/RazzyBlog/2008/02/daily-douchebag-tori-spelling.html
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